Can your sense of humor keep a bully at bay?

It can indeed, according to a recent article that states if a child has a good sense of humor, he or she is less apt to be bothered by bullies.

Whether or not there’s any proof to this, this idea brings up an important issue: Response is everything.

If you don’t take situations too seriously, you’re in a better emotional state to deflect verbal abuse and harassment and move on. A bully isn’t going to spend his or her time picking on someone who pays no attention.

But this ability to laugh it off sure seems to come more naturally to some than to others.

I can see it in my own kids; I’ve got one who is easygoing and confident and always ready to make a joke, another who is bright, capable, honest and a tad more earnest. My third child, however, is the human equivalent of a bolt of lightening. She’s quick to burn.

While nothing seems to ever bother my oldest, my other two need more help in this respect. So I tell them these things:

1. You don’t have control over others, but you do control how you respond

2. Just like you can’t let a punch hit you in the face, you have to block and move if you’re insulted

3. Move on, don’t dwell (and for Ms. Lightening Bolt, don’t start a fight).

4. Don’t look to others to find your happiness. Joy comes from within.

So don’t wipe that smile off your face … and don’t let others take it away, either.

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo Instructor
Former editor, metroparent magazine

Bullies go around taunting, harassing and engaging in verbal abuse, maybe even physical abuse, too.

So it’s easy to think the bully has got hairy knuckles scraping on the ground and a mean streak you can spot a mile away.

Those primitive bully brutes, they’re so obvious, right?

And the poor victims, they’re simply minding their own business … right?

Wrong and wrong.

There’s an excellent article in this month’s Scouting magazine, training adult leaders can spot bullies within their group. The Boy Scouts are very proactive in training Boy Scout and Cub Scout leaders in identifying bullying behavior.

According to the piece, here are some traits of a bully:
* Shows little emotion
* Successfully hides bullying behavior
* Seems to possess social skills and high self-esteem
* Socializes with a  network of friends
* Gets excited if the victim fights back
* Enjoys feelings of power and control

Here are the traits of a passive victim:
* Shows a lot of emotion (cries easily).
* Hides the truth about being bullied, because they think adults can’t or won’t help.
* Lacks social skills and self-esteem
* Has few or no friends
* Blames himself
* Rarely fights back but might carry a weapon for protection
* Feels helpless and out of control

Furthermore, the qualities one would associate with a bully — anger, resentment and disengagement — are classic traits of a victim.

As school starts and organized activities ramp up, leaders and teachers really should spend some time rethinking what a bully does — and doesn’t look like.

You might be surprised by what you see.

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo Instructor
Former Editor, metroparent magazine

As the center on his football team, a part of my son’s job is to organize and motivate the players when they go into a huddle.

After the first day we asked him how it went. In the humor typical for a 10-year-old, he said,

“I told them, ‘C’mon meat-heads, let’s go!’”

Meat-heads? Sheesh, Dan. Those are hardly inspirational words. That sounds more like harassment.

Dan needed a little coaching. So I told him a story:

I reminded him about Jim, a Cub Scout leader he knows from school. Jim is a brave soul who works with the first grade boys.

These boys are in their first year of Scouting, and they’re as enthusiastic, energetic and unfocused as puppies.

But Jim sees past the chaos. When it’s time to get them started in an activity, Jim addresses them in a deep commanding voice:

“Alright men, let’s get started,” he booms.

Men? Really? These are 6-year-olds, my Dan whispers under his breath.

But with those words, the boys undergo a transformation. They sit up straighter and they listen.

Here’s why Jim is so effective: He identifies something within them that urges the boys onward and upward.

They’re not men yet. But they will be, and Jim recognizes that kernel within them. He treats them with respect … and demands a great level of respect right back from them.

Same thing at martial arts schools, where even the lowliest white belts are considered future black belts.

It’s not about who you are or what you are right now, I told Dan.

Of course his teammates are playing like a bunch of 10-year-old beginners. That’s what they are.

But inspiring them is all about finding what they will become.

All it takes are the right words.

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo instructor
Former editor, metroparent magazine, Milwaukee, WI

Many contributors to forum have been longtime trainers in the tactical communications method of Verbal Judo. These principles are fundamental to ending bullying and verbal abuse.

Earlier this week, Michael Manley, Vice President of the Verbal Judo Institute, explained the principles on Seattle Public Radio KUOW. Follow the link to access this audio clip.

If you’ve got a tough job, you probably think you can take the verbal abuse, harassment and beating that comes with the territory.

Bit by bit, though, the constant verbal abuse can erode your professionalism. And one day it can all come crashing down.

That’s what happened with the JetBlue flight attendant who just snapped. And whether or not you agree with his actions (pulling the emergency slide, grabbing a beer and exiting the aircraft) you can’t help but realize that harassment is what clearly pushed him to the brink.

Check out this video by Gailen David, a.k.a. The Sky Steward. A fellow flight attendant, he describes the day-to-day verbal abuse that took him over the edge.

What brought The Sky Steward back was a re-assertion of his professionalism. He stopped taking it personally and focused on doing his job well. Fortunately, David’s good nature survived the ordeal.

Do you have the tools that would help you do the same?

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo Instructor
Former editor of metroparent magazine, Milwaukee

Communicating with children means taking an interest in what children have as interests, and trying to understand their perspective. This is key to learning confidence.

You will get a better grip on how their thinking will shape their needs.

This information will be instrumental in building communication skills, creating social skills and giving them the ability to deal with inevitable conflict in a non-combative manner as they face people with interests not of their own.

I’ve written an article that shares my personal story of how respect may be offered by the position and right as a parent, but respect as an individual worthy of trusting with secrets must be earned. Click here to read my full article.

W. Lee Fjelstad
Vice President, Verbal Judo Institute

Sure they’re special. But they’re also human, and make mistakes now and then.

So how do they take it when they’re called on the carpet?

Yesterday’s Chicago Tribune had a great article about how necessary it is for parents to help a child toughen up, to learn to manage criticism and conflict. It helps them not only cope with the immediate situation, but it also aids them in their future development.

“This helps the child see that they could do something about it,” says Frances Stott, a professor with the Erikson Institute who was quoted in the story. “If you can own up to your own mistakes, it ultimately gives you more control because you can then fix it.”

On one level, this seems obvious. But it’s easier said than done.

Many of us put our child’s well-being above all other things, never letting a shadow cross their path.

But shadows, conflicts and disputes are invariably going to happen. And a child needs to learn how to cope, to move forward and ultimately to grow.

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo Instructor
and former editor of Metroparent Magazine, Milwaukee

Loner! Stoner! Nerd!

Would this type of labeling, excluding, judging, gossiping and smack-talking take place if you really knew that person?

A new MTV show challenges teens to stop talking about one another and start listening through an intensive daylong intervention program that is filmed at various high schools.

“If You Really Knew Me” is nothing short of an ethical intervention, a technique for ending bullying and verbal harassment that tears apart the old, broken dynamic in order to build a new social contract.

If we ever hope to end bullying, this type of full-out engagement is needed. In fact, through our Verbal Self Defense program we encourage students to rally around a pledge called, “I’ve Got Your Back.”

These barriers need to be broken. Kudos to MTV for picking up the hammer.

Kathy Mangold
Verbal Judo Instructor
and former editor of Metroparent Magazine, Milwaukee

Apparently some schools have taken to hiring “recess coaches” to ensure that schools are bully-free.

I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

A very wise elementary school guidance counselor once told me that she views her job as such: Whenever possible, she doesn’t dive in and solve a child’s problems; she wants to give children the skills to solve their problems on their own.

Playgrounds have supervisors, and certainly they should have some training in conflict resolution. But sentries posted who watch a child’s every move? Forget it.

It’s unrealistic (and, I’d argue, not very healthy) to think that we can shield our children from conflict. However,we must equip them with the tools they’ll need need to maneuver through recess … and through life.

Kathy Mangold
Former editor of metroparent magazine in Milwaukee, WI
Verbal Judo Instructor (http://www.verbaljudo.com)
Mom of kids ages 12, 10 and 7

It’s summertime and school’s out, so the outcries and uproar against bullying behavior have lessened. But the need for action continues. As the fall teams begin their workouts, school supplies are ordered and homeroom assignments discovered, we should take a moment to review our schools anti-bullying policy.

Before classes resume we need to talk with our children about how not to be a bully or a victim. We need to promote empathy and confidence. It takes commitment and time to break a habit or pattern of behavior. Children need to be taught new ways, new habits and patterns to replace the ones with negative long term effects.

In fact, another study (the most recent out of Australia) illustrated the damaging long term effects bullying has on the victim and the bully.

The research showed that the pattern of abuse for the victim was likely to continue: They were more likely to be targeted again, depressed and anti-social. The bully was more likely to have trouble with other anti-social/criminal behaviors such as fighting and substance abuse.

Maryfrances Palmisano
Former social worker and juvenile/criminal defense attorney
Instructor at JK Lee Black Belt Academy in Milwaukee, WI
Mother of three children